The most exhausting person to maintain is your public version

We edit our lives with a patience that we rarely have for life itself. A little safety here, some success there, fatigue removed from the frame. In the end, a flawless man emerges, who probably needs to sleep for three days.

I don't mind the discretion. I don't owe everyone access to everything I live and I don't think that honesty requires me to publish every doubt. The problem starts when I no longer choose what I keep for myself, but constantly work to support something that I am not.

I want to appear unaffected, even though I check my phone. I want to look busy, even though I'm exhausted. I want to appear very confident, even though I still don't understand the situation. Each appearance must match the previous image. The character is not allowed to be caught on the wrong foot.

The cost is not just the presentation effort. If I've always declared myself the man who has everything under control, it's hard for me to say that I don't know. If I presented myself as the one who doesn't need anyone, how do I ask for support now? I end up being limited by my own advertising.

And there is the small irony: the people to whom I am trying to demonstrate all this are often busy with their own impressions to manage. The public does not pay my representation the attention I imagine.

I find it more bearable to be sometimes unclear, tired or simply ordinary. It does not mean giving up ambition. It just means that I don't need a sophisticated explanation for every day that I'm human.